


You Look So Perfect Standing There...

by BlueXStark (MonsterXMadigan)



Category: Battle Creek (TV)
Genre: Angst, Depression, Internal Conflict, M/M, Unrequited Crush
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-19
Updated: 2015-04-19
Packaged: 2018-03-24 17:53:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 912
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3777937
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MonsterXMadigan/pseuds/BlueXStark
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Robot. Tight ass. Devil. Show off. Liar. Betrayer. Soulless. You are all of these things and you wish it could be different. But it’s not. Because you deserve this.</p>
            </blockquote>





	You Look So Perfect Standing There...

**Author's Note:**

> This is well and truly awful and what I get for doing this at 2:30 in the morning. Please forgive my addled brain and devious fingers for this not well written mess monster and beating up on Milt. Herein lies some purposely unmentioned theories I have about Milt after 1x07 about his background and why he is in Battle Creek, forgive those as well please. ..

You look so perfect standing there…

Robot. Tight ass. Devil. Show off. Liar. Betrayer. Soulless. He’s heard every insult, whether it was said to his face or behind it. Some insults happen earlier than most, some are new and some cut deeper than others. It won’t ever show on his face though. No. Never let it show, never let them see because if they do then you’ll question. And if you question then you have to question every decision you ever made, and if you do that then it just complicates everything else. You spend a lot of time cultivating the ability to look like nothing hurts you and that you’re always happy and cheerful. Its exhausting though. It’s so exhausting but you don’t have another choice. If they see how damaged you really are you’d never get a chance to work again and the work, the job, its all you have now. It’s depressing but it’s the lifeline you have and you hold on to it. So you endure every insult with a smile because in a way it’s justice for what you've done and for the things you were sent to Battle Creek to do. For the people who you are going to hurt inevitability because you have yet to find a way to avoid it and likely won’t…not really.  
You have Russ though. Russ knows you’re full of shit and has from the moment you stepped foot into that town. He hated you from the second he saw you and you know it and its why you picked him as your partner. Everyone else would have made it easy, would have let you slip by because they fall for the smiles and the charms and the impressive technology; but not Russ. Russ is too good a detective to fall for it and you’re glad even though it makes your job harder having the BCPD detective hounding you constantly. You picked him because it makes it difficult, because he challenges you on everything-even when its time consuming and pointless-and makes you remember. He makes you remember what a bastard you are so you don’t screw this up. Because the job is all you have even when it doesn't make sense and makes you something like this. You cant mess this job up and for that you’d do anything for Russ. He doesn't believe you and thinks your caring is part of the lie and that part hurts. It shouldn't but it does but he can control the hurt for himself. It’s a hurt he doesn't ever want Russ to feel so you persuade him to go after Holly even though he vehemently denies that he likes her and kills you a little inside. It’s why you push with his mother even though it makes you jealous and envious. Constance wasn't a great role model but at least she loved her son. Your own mother thinks you’re the devil incarnate and refuses to answer your calls. He hopes the older detective never knows what that’s likes.  
You shouldn't be getting invested like this but you cant help it. You've tried not too because it makes it complicated but something about that curmudgeon cop gets to you. Even though he insults you constantly and doesn't believe a thing you say he’s becoming part of your lifeline. Russ is part of the job and that’s what you have remember? He cant ever know though. Russell cant ever know that he’s that important because you are too damaged inside; too empty to ever deserve something or someone like him. Yet the feelings are still there and there is nothing you can do and nothing you will do. Once he finds out why you’re in Battle Creek or anything about you truly he’ll never forgive you and he definitely wont ever trust you and you know it.  
So you lie to everyone. You’re good at it and that’s why you were picked for this-for Battle Creek but its killing you too. Slowly its eating away at you day by day between things you shouldn't feel, the things that you do feel, and the lies you have to feel to make this work. The lies that keep Russ in your life for a little longer where you can selfishly enjoy it, enjoy him even if its painful. You have the apartment to let the cracks show and the damage comes through because no one comes here. No one ever comes here but you and it’s the only time you can just let go for a little while. Where you aren't Special Agent Milton Chamberlain, you’re just Milt and its not enough. You don’t really know who Milt is anymore but he’s there and part you. He’s the part that is still mostly human and feels the pain and loneliness no one else can ever see. The part that doesn't judge you for what you did to earn your mother’s scorn and for what you have to do as Special Agent Chamberlain. He’s the part you want Russ to see and comfort but he cant-because you can’t. Russ is just your reminder and maybe your salvation but you cant tell him, you just hope he figures it out and stops you from having to hurt these people.  
Robot. Tight ass. Devil. Show off. Liar. Betrayer. Soulless. You are all of these things and you wish it could be different. But it’s not. Because you deserve this.


End file.
